


Conquer We Must...

by elegia (starcrawler)



Category: South Park
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, Not as Funny as Real South Park, Offensive Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-05
Updated: 2019-09-05
Packaged: 2020-10-10 09:54:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20526071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starcrawler/pseuds/elegia
Summary: Stan finds his inner Winston Churchill.





	Conquer We Must...

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, everyone. Yes, this is starcrawler. I'm using this pseudonym to post any random stuff I have lying around on Google Drive that I don't feel belongs on my main pseud. This work, nor any work that follows on under this name, will have the same ambition as "Bill Denbrough Beats the Devil (III)," but I will still work as hard on these.
> 
> I'm writing these while I'm in school, so the timing may be a bit wacky.
> 
> This is a parody of the movie "The Darkest Hour," in my opinion one of the greatest films of our time. Try to believe in the flowery language. It's just part and parcel of politicians.
> 
> Takes place around season 8.

South Park, Colorado was a quaint, quiet, little mountain town. It had a small population and few modern luxuries enjoyed by those in the bigger cities, like Walmarts or skyscrapers or public transportation. But there was far more than met the eye.

For the sake of time, we will discuss only one oddity of this unassuming town: its elementary school.

South Park Elementary School, the home of the Cows, often came under fire from the concerned parents of the children attending for its faculty and staff’s seemingly nonexistent authority. The principle and the teachers could never set students straight without getting their parents involved, which caused plenty of grief for said parents. The reason for this strange power dynamic between student and teacher was the incredible power given unto the student council.

The student council of South Park Elementary was strikingly different from all other student councils for two reasons: one, it actually got stuff done; and two, it had a legislative branch.

The legislative branch, which the members called “Parleyment,” had been established only two months before, when Wendy Testaburger was sworn into the office of Student Body President upon entering fourth grade. She had hoped this move would cause transparency, and therefore more trust in her presidency. And it did accomplish her first goal. That transparency was now biting her in the ass.

“Order! Order!” Butters yelled, banging his gavel down on his desk. He was the only one seated in the middle of the gym. Beneath his high chair stood Kyle Broflovski. Everyone else sat either on the bleachers, or on chairs set on the other side for this biweekly meeting. The seats were completely filled, with children ranging from kindergarten all the way to the fifth grade. And they yelled and screamed.

They all held pamphlets handed out at the beginning of the meeting with the agenda written on it, and all members of Parleyment waved them in the air, roaring either their approvals or disapprovals.

“Mister Speaker. Mister Speaker!” Kyle roared over the din.

“Order! The leader of the opposition, Mister Kyle Broflovski!” Butters banged the gavel once again. The members of Parleyment began to quiet.

“Mister Speaker, I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. The members of this Parleyment find Miss Wendy Testaburger utterly incompetent-” The MP’s began to roar once again. Wendy sat sullenly in her seat beside her boyfriend Token Black, who placed a comforting hand on hers. “-utterly incompetent as Student Body President! And we find her personally responsible—_ personally responsible _—for our current crisis!”

Kyle looked directly at Wendy as the gym cried in approval around him.

“Dishonorable!”

“Deplorable!”

“Stupid bitch!” That was Eric Cartman.

“We are at war, Miss Testaburger, war! And it is because of _you _we are so completely unprepared for it!

“Because you reallocated all our athletics funds, without this Parleyment’s approval, for social justice talks and bake sales for children in Nairobi, we at South Park Elementary find ourselves unready to face this present threat!”

More cheers of approval. Wendy sank lower into her seat.

_This is for you, Stan, _Kyle thought savagely. “We’ve won every state championship for basketball since nineteen seventy-two! We have been undefeated since nineteen seventy-two! This was the pride of the South Park Cows!

“And now we face our present threat, Mr. Speaker: Middle Park Elementary. They slaughtered us in the playoffs, and only because our fourth-grade team has had no practice—and I repeat, Mister Speaker, no practice—since the Winter of two thousand and three! We have no coach, terrible equipment, a decaying gym, all because our Student Body President decided learning about bathroom politics was more important than school pride and heritage!”

The MP’s all waved their papers in the air again.

“We, the opposition, are willing to enter a grand coalition with the ruling Turd Party-” There was an uproar. “-but not under the leadership of Miss Testaburger, who has lost the confidence of this Parleyment!”

The din was deafening. People from both sides stood up, with questions and encouragements and approvals and insults all being hurled down at Kyle, who stood in the center of the gym. Calling for a vote of no confidence was a big deal. Kyle stared directly at Wendy, who looked like she could not think of anywhere she would rather not be.

“In our school’s interests, Miss Testaburger, step down! Resign! Give us an opportunity to undo your failures! Give us a fighting chance!” And with that Kyle turned around and stepped back and sat down at the head of the Douche Party amidst deafening cheers and applause.

Kenny turned to him and yelled, “(Who do you think Principal Victoria will appoint?)”

Kyle shrugged.

“As long as it’s not someone stupid, we’ll be fine.”

“You wanted to see me, Principal Victoria?” Stan asked cautiously as he entered her office upon a summons given during class.

He had been so glad to get out of that class. Mr. Garrison was teaching something he could not hear at all. He just stared at Wendy, his ex-girlfriend, out of the corner of his eye. She looked weary and worn, with her beret on backwards, as if she didn’t have good sleep the night before. That was likely from the Parleyment meeting he had missed due to being grounded for helping Cartmen set the homeless shelter on fire the week before.

He really wished he could have attended. From what he heard in the halls before school started, Kyle had kicked her ass. His bitter heart would have loved to see that, despite still having an oppressed inkling of attraction towards her.

“Yes, Stan. Please, come have a seat.”

Stan sat in front of her. She looked nervous.

“Stan, there was a vote of no confidence for the Student Body President yesterday,” said Principal Victoria gravely.

Stan gasped. “Wendy?”

“Yes. Miss Testaburger resigned this morning.”

“Oh my God, that’s-oh wow!”

“Yes, well, we will need a new Student Body President. And I am using basically the only power I have left to appoint you as the new one.”

Stan’s eyes widened. “What?”

“You, Stan. I choose you. Do you accept?”

Stan looked to the side and breathed heavily. “Oh my God, I-”

“Stan, let me give you our current situation. Our coffers are dry from inviting Jimmy Kimmel to insult George W. Bush for three hours, and we are taking on a lot of debt from the state. The state final is in a month. We don’t have a coach for our basketball team. Nine players were injured in the last playoff game, making the entire team two people.

“We are facing dark times, Stan. And we need a strong leader. I believe you can lead this school in the direction best suited for it, but we need you to be on board. Do you accept?”

Stan sat in his chair, unmoving and wide-eyed. Him? As Student Body President? God, he was so inexperienced in this sort of thing. Hell, he could barely organize his bedroom. But if he did a good job, he could stick it to Wendy, show her what she let get away. Yeah. He’d show her. _I know I can be political too._

“I accept.”

“Very good, Stan. You will be giving your first speech to Parleyment this Friday, giving you four days to prepare. But first and foremost, I need you to assemble your cabinet. Who do you want helping you?”

“Dude. What the fuck?” Cartman said as the four sat together at lunch.

“Look, I need my opponents on my side for this to work. Like it or not, Cartman, Wendy is still the leader of the Turd Party. If she doesn’t support me I’m fucked, even if the Douches are supporting me,” Stan sighed.

“And so your cabinet is all four of us, so two Douches, plus Token, aka Mr. Steal Your Girl, Clyde, a Douche, Bebe, also a Douche, and Wendy fucking Testaburger, the former President? The fuck? It’s gonna be World War Two in there.”

“I already explained it, Cartman,” Stan sighed, poking his food with his fork.

“Give him a break, fatass,” said Kyle. “We’re meeting in three minutes, then?”

Stan nodded.

Soon, his entire cabinet sat in Mr. Garrison’s classroom, with fifteen minutes left in lunch.

“Alright, welcome, everyone. As you all heard, I’m your new Student Body President.” Wendy looked down dejectedly. “And you are my cabinet. I want you to know I intend to win the state championship.”

“How? We only have two people left on the team. Everyone else is injured,” Bebe said incredulously.

“My plan…is to let everyone in the fourth grade play.”

Everyone gasped. “No, no way! That’ll ruin the entire team. There’s a reason we have try-outs! We only take the good kids!” said Token.

Stan grit his teeth. “Token, you weren’t good enough to not get your arm broken in the last game, so you have no right to say you only take good kids.”

“Oh shit, Token! Take that!” Cartman cried.

Token glared at Stan. “Look, Stan, I know you’re pissed about me stealing Wendy from you or-”

“Leave me out of it!” Wendy snapped.

“(Dude, fuck off with that,)” said Kenny angrily, but Stan placed a hand on his arm.

“Kenny, it’s fine.”

“Sorry, babe. But Stan, I have some good news. I’ve been in talks with the captain of Middle Park’s basketball team.”

Stan leaned forward in his chair. “I’m listening.”

“He’s given us terms of forfeit. He-”

“Woah, no way!” said Stan angrily. “We’re not surrendering. This is important to us!”

“Just listen to me! They’ll keep the scores low when they play us in the playoffs next year so we place second. All they ask from us is to forfeit this year’s championship.”

“We are not going to forfeit.”

“It’s not like we have a choice,” said Wendy wearily. “We only have two players left, and if we make the team open invitation, we’re gonna be completely creamed. We don’t have a coach to train them in time.”

_And why don’t we have a coach, Wendy? _Stan wanted to ask, but he controlled himself just in time. Instead, he forced himself to look at Wendy directly for the first time since he flipped her off after his emo phase. She looked so tired and sad, he wanted so much to take all that pain away from her, as he always did, but _No, she threw you away last time for Token. She’s not worth all the time and effort you wasted on her. Just forget it._

She met his eyes and looked away quickly, as if he were the sun. “Look,” he said, “I know things look really bad. But I know we can win this if we all work together.”

“Yeah, right,” Token snorted. “Look, I have my offer. If we don’t place second, we’re gonna lose our standing in the rankings and our funds from the state will get cut next year. We need to get in the top two to keep our funding. Think about it, Stan.”

“And we will do that by winning, Token. I’ve already thought about it. The Cows don’t surrender. Meeting adjourned.”

Stan paced in Kyle’s room as Kyle sat at his computer, waiting for Stan’s first move.

“This Monday morning I received an appointment from Principal Victoria to form a new government,” said Stan into the air.

Kyle typed what was said rapidly onto the computer.

“I formed my cabinet from both parties, and with the most honorable of ladies and gentlemen.” Stan paused. “Does that make me sound like I have a stick up my ass?”

“Yeah, kind of. You sound like a retarded kid trying to sound fancy. Which is usually fine, ‘cause you want to sound like you’re more cultured so people listen to you. But you gotta change that. It’s just bad,” said Kyle without turning around.

“Dammit! Okay, delete that. Okay, how about: I formed my cabinet from both parties, and I move that this Parleyment accepts the representation of the iron will of the South Park Cows to wage war for victory.”

Kyle typed away. “That’s pretty explicit in your agenda.”

“What do you mean?”

“I heard the Turds are only going to support the war if Wendy does. Her signal is taking off her beret.”

“Dude, what the fuck?”

“You have the Douches supporting you.”

“But that won’t be enough.”

“Nope.”

Stan scratched his head. “Dude, why does the opposition party support me but my own doesn’t?”

Kyle laughed.

“So I need Wendy to take off her beret? It’s all or nothing?”

Kyle nodded.

“So I’m gonna either have to shit rainbows out of my ass during my speech, or get back on her good side.”

“That’s right.”

“Shit.”

“Wendy, can I talk to you?”

Wendy looked surprised. “Sure, Stan.” She followed him to the swings, which happened to be vacant.

Stan felt Red’s and Bebe’s eyes burning holes into the back of his head.

They both sat down.

“What did you want to talk about?” Wendy asked awkwardly.

“I want to know your stance on this situation. What would you do?”

“About the state championship?”

“Mhmm.”

Wendy sighed and closed her eyes, giving Stan an opportunity to look at her closely. She had heavy bags under her eyes, and she still looked terribly worn-out. Her beret was facing the right today. His chest clenched.

“I don’t know if I should trust myself anymore,” she said quietly.

“What?”

“I thought I was doing something good. I never wanted any of this to happen.” She scrunched her eyes while they remained closed.

“I know. I trust that. I know you did what you thought was right. What happened happened.”

“And what do you think is the right thing to do?” Wendy tilted her head to the side as she examined him. He had never seen this side of her before. The politician has many faces.

“You know what I think. I want to know what you think.”

“I don’t think it’s worth it. Our players are getting injured every time we play. We only have two players left. I think we’re gonna have to forfeit. It’s the lowest risk.”

“And lowest reward. Wendy, do you really want to surrender? What about our pride?”

“We lost our pride when I fucked up!”

The people around them fell to silence as they stared at the two sitting on the swings.

Stan waved his hand at them. “Shoo.” And they dispersed.

Wendy had her head in her hands. Her shoulders shook. Stan sighed.

“Look, Wendy. You can’t beat yourself up over this stuff. What happened happened. Thinking about it isn’t gonna change-”

“Stop saying that!” she screamed. “Can’t you see I’m trying to wallow in my own self-pity? Why can’t you let me have that?”

Stan had no idea how to respond.

“God, I always thought I was some sort of goddess. I thought I was perfect. I thought I was too perfect, too good for everyone. I was such a bitch. I’m so sorry Stan.”

“It’s fine, dude.” _No, it’s really not. _“That stuff isn’t really important right now. It can wait.”

She sniffed. “I’m glad you’re not like me, Stan.”

Stan sighed again. “C’mon, lets get your mind off this stuff. Let’s talk about something else.”

“Okay, fine. Yeah. Yeah, you’re right.”

Token watched his girlfriend’s face lighten from afar, and the stress that had been a constant for the past three days began to leave her face. He watched Stan coax her out of her shell, something he had been unable to do. His good hand clenched into a fist.

“You need to calm down, dude,” said Craig calmly from beside him.

“He’s-He’s gonna-”

“And there’s nothing you can do about it, Token. You know how she is. The more you pressure the less likely she is to budge. Let her choose, and she might choose you,” said Craig logically.

“And if she doesn’t?”

“Then you have to make yourself better so it doesn’t happen again.”

“Yeah, I’m not doing that.”

Token marched over to where Stan and Wendy sat, laughing together at something. The monster within Token reared its ugly head.

He had no idea what he was doing. He had no idea what drove him to this. Perhaps it was the fact that his relationship with Wendy had been strained for the past few weeks now, and suddenly it seemed Stan once again was in the race. Maybe it was because Stan had managed to cheer her up when he had been unable to for days. Or maybe he was sensitive to the fact that Wendy didn’t even seem to care that he broke his arm. There was no “Oh, Token does that hurt?” or “Wow, you’re so brave, Token!” He felt cheated of a real relationship.

Those thoughts whirred in his mind as he rushed forward and his fist reared back as Stan looked up curiously upon hearing Kyle shout, “Dude, look out!” and Wendy cried out in terror. Stan managed to get his arms up to block the punch just in time to stop Token’s fist from breaking his nose.

“What the fuck, dude?!” he yelled as his arms throbbed. He could see Kenny and Kyle rushing over to help him. Cartman ran over as well, but likely just so he could punch a black person, which he did.

Token groaned as he doubled over in pain, the pain on his face blossoming like a flower and spreading throughout his cheek.

Stan got up quickly. “Cartman, stop.”

“You hippies are too loving for your own good,” Cartman sneered, but he backed down.

“Okay, what the hell was that for?” Stan demanded.

Token rushed forward at him again, and was this time intercepted by Craig, who had arrived just in time.

“What did I tell you?” asked Craig angrily.

Kenny had to hold Cartman back as he rushed forward again, seeing an opportunity.

“What’s wrong with you?!” Wendy screeched.

Everyone stopped yelling immediately. Token stopped struggling and looked at her. “I-I…”

“We’re talking about this later,” she snapped. She turned to Stan. “You good?”

He nodded and turned to everyone else. “Thanks, you guys. And fuck you Token. I don’t know what that was for but fuck you.”

Kenny giggled. “(Use protection, Stanley.)”

Everyone groaned.

“Yeah, okay, okay. I’m sorry,” Token muttered, and he pulled out of Craig’s grasp and stalked away.

“What’s up with him?” Kyle scowled.

Wendy shrugged while shaking her head.

“I’m telling ya: Super. Predator,” said Cartman wisely.

“Eric there is no such thing as a superpredator! That’s a racist term!” said Wendy angrily.

“Remember guys, meeting tomorrow at lunch,” Stan groaned. Neither heard him, as Wendy hurled statistics at Cartman angrily, and he replied with his own with glee.

Kenny snickered as they walked away.

“So what were you guys talking about?” Kyle asked slyly.

Stan didn’t catch the hidden meaning. “Oh, we were talking about that time Mr. Garrison tried to kill Kathie Lee Gifford. I was just trying to cheer her up. You really beat her ass Kyle.”

Kyle snorted. “Hardly. I could’ve killed her with all the material she gave me.”

Kenny gasped dramatically. “(Don’t, Kyle. You’re gonna make him worry about his girlfriend.)” He burst into giggles, and Kyle laughed.

Stan glared at them. “You guys suck.”

“(I bet Wendy does too.)”

“Oh God.”

“So have you considered my proposal?”

“You still haven’t given up, Token?”

Stan’s cabinet sat together once again in Mr. Garrison’s office. Several things had changed in the dynamic. Wendy was less glum and giving Token the silent treatment. Bebe seemed more inclined to speak to her. Clyde now spoke in Received Pronunciation.

Token slammed his good fist on the table, startling everyone.

“Ay! Fuck you, asshole!” Cartman yelled.

Token ignored him. “Your hubris is going to ruin this school, Stan!” he yelled.

“Wow, such an articulate black man,” Cartman whispered to Kenny, who snorted into his milk.

“The fuck does that even mean, Token?” Stan shot back.

“That means you’re too proud to admit we were outperformed, Stan. Face it: they’re better than us. Steven Green of Middle Park has already given you his terms-”

“Token,” said Stan calmly. “Steven Green is graduating this year. The team captain next year will be different, you fucking retard. That means your deal is completely worthless. We’ll get creamed again next year if we don’t change.”

“Stan, it’s the inkling of a promise. But, we’ll have to either forfeit anyway, or get embarrassingly destroyed because we have kids on our team who have never played basketball before,” said Wendy.

“No, I think Stan’s right,” said Bebe. “We have to make a stand.”

“Yes, ye men of valour!” Clyde cried. “Let us fall not as dying flames but as shooting stars!”

“Clyde?”

“What troubles you, Honorable Sir Cartman?”

“Shut up.”

“Fuck you, fatass.”

“Wendy, I need you to see this from my perspe-”

The bell rang, and Stan cursed. Wendy rushed out the door to use the restroom, and Stan knew she would avoid talking about it with him until after his address to Parleyment.

“Mister Speaker, this Monday morning I received an appointment from Principal Victoria to form a new government. I formed my cabinet from both parties upon the soonest hour, and in my party are eight members, with four from the ruling party and four from the opposition. They represent the unity of our school and this administration. I move that this Parleyment accept this administration as quickly as possible so that we may begin to work.

“Let us never forget we are in the beginning stages of one of the most brutal conflicts to have ever befallen the state of Colorado, and one of the bloodiest struggles in its long history.

“We are facing a threat of the most terrible kind, and the window of hope is growing ever smaller by the second.

“You ask: what is our policy? Our policy is this: to wage war against the evil powers of the north, with all the power and might that God can give us, and to take back our rightful title.

“You ask: what is our aim? And there is only one answer. Victory. Victory, no matter the cost. Victory, no mind to the suffering. Victory, without heed to our wounds. For without victory, we shall have no future.”

The Douche side of the gym waved their pamphlets in the air amidst fairly boisterous applause. The Turd side, the side that Stan returned to after, remained silent, save for Eric Cartman, who clapped and whistled loudly. Stan noted that Wendy’s beret seemed untouched from when he had taken those nervous first steps to the table. _Dammit Wendy._

“Not a great start, but, well…” said Cartman.

“It’s a start.”

“Greeley has fallen.”

“What?” Stan looked up from his notebook and saw Token smirking at him triumphantly.

“Greeley lost four players last game. They forfeit with six players left.”

Stan felt his face pale. Greeley had been their only ally in this war against Middle Park. If they had fallen… 

“Steven Green is getting impatient, Stan. He wa-”

“Token! Stanley!” Mr. Garrison yelled.

“Yes Mr. Garrison?” they both replied.

“Are you talking in my class?”

“Nope. Never. That would be pretty retarded of us,” said Stan cheerfully.

“And pretty _gay, _wouldn’t you say? Two boys talking in class. I wonder who’s gonna be on top and who’s gonna be bottom later.”

The entire class groaned at the mental image.

“Mr. Garrison, what the fuck?” Cartman screeched.

“Now you boys shut the fuck up, alright? Same goes for you, class.”

As Mr. Garrison continued to talk about whatever useless topic the school district found important, Stan found his mind reeling.

_Greeley has fallen. I thought we’d be able to rely on those froggy fucks. This is going to be a lot trickier alone. And I won’t be able to do anything until the majority of Parleyment approves my cabinet. I need to change public opinion._

During lunch, as Stan sat with his friends and at thoughtfully while Kyle and Cartman fought over today’s hot issue, Stan suddenly considered something he would have never considered before he became Student Body President.

_I’ve only had opinions from my cabinet. I need more confidence in my stance._

And with that thought, he stepped up onto the table and shouted, “May I have your attention please?!”

The cafeteria grew quiet as everyone turned towards the sound curiously. Stan felt nervous sweat on his brow and gulped. _C’mon Student Body President._

“Stan, what the hell are you doing?” asked Kyle.

“Trust me Kyle,” Stan whispered. Then he turned to the rest of the silent cafeteria. “Come closer, all of you! I don’t want to have to yell so you can hear everything!”

And so people got up grudgingly from their seats to enter the growing mass of people surrounding Stan’s table. Stan saw Wendy’s raised eyebrow and felt even more nervous.

“Ay, I’ve got no room!” Cartman snarled.

“A question’s been bugging me the past few days. Do you all attend Parleyment or know someone who does?”

The sea of heads dipped and rose.

“Now let me ask you this, you, the people and not my cabinet, now that we are all on the same page: what would you do if you were on the basketball team? If you were at the chairs with only one teammate, and you see Middle Park on the other side of the court, warming up, what is your move?”

There was silence, and Stan grew increasingly afraid there might suddenly be a popular rejection of him of some kind, but suddenly Kevin Stoley said, “I’d keep playing.”

Everyone turned towards him. Stan stared at him intensely. “You’d play? Even if almost all your teammates are injured and you only have two players left including yourself?”

“Doesn’t matter,” said Craig. Everyone now turned to him. “I’d never give up the trophy.”

“Even if loss is inevitable?” Stan urged.

“They’d have to pry it from my cold, dead hands!” said Pip Pirrup.

The crowd laughed, but for once not mockingly.

“Good, Pip! I like it!” Stan paused thoughtfully. “What if I told you I can get a good deal with Steven Green, the captain of the Middle Park basketball team, right now, and he would let us have second place for next year if we forfeit this year’s championship, what would you say to that?”

“Never!” cried Tweek Tweak and ten others.

“Never?” asked Stan softly, after a pause.

“No, never!”

“Then I hear you! I hear you. Your will is my will. I will do my best to represent you all.”

And with that Stan stepped down from the table. He met Token’s glare steadily. He turned and saw Wendy looking conflicted.

He grinned widely. He had a lot of work to do.

“Okay, fine, Red. I thought that was pretty hot,” said Wendy grudgingly.

“You like political boys, hmm? Remember Gregory of Yardale?”

“That’s enough, Nelly.”

“So what are you going to do, Wendy? You’re still dating Token, and you were pretty brutal when you dumped Stan last time,” said Bebe eagerly. “I don’t think he’d welcome you back with open arms.”

“I’m not going to do _anything _!” Wendy shouted. All the girls quieted as they sat on the floor of Bebe’s room, watching her intensely. “Nothing’s going to happen. I’m not gonna like him again or anything! Now can we talk about something else?”

“Sure, Wendy,” said Bebe slyly. “You know I heard Annie is gonna ask Stan out tomorrow? She thought that little speech was pretty hot t-”

_“She what?!”_

Bebe smirked. She was so glad Annie agreed to this plan. “What? I thought you weren’t gonna like him again?”

“I, uh, I don’t.”

“Alright, awesome. Annie told me she was worried about what you might say. I’ll let her know Stan’s safe.”

All the girls watched, amused, as Wendy turned darker and darker shades of red, until she snapped, “Oh yeah, he’s _so _safe. It’s not like he has twenty STD’s or anything.”

“He does?” Heidi Turner asked, concerned.

“No he doesn’t, Heidi. Wendy’s just trying not to sound jelly.”

“I’m not jelly!”

“Before you do anything stupid, remember that polygamy is illegal in all fifty states. Even Utah. You better be willing to lose something to gain something. And make sure you think before you throw Token away. We don’t want to repeat this situation.

“C’mon girls, let’s give Wendy some time to think.” Bebe smirked as she and the other girls left Wendy alone in Bebe’s room, sputtering.

“What is your move?” Token asked quietly.

Wendy shrugged.

“Don’t tell me you’re going to take off your beret, babe. Please don’t.”

Wendy glared at him. “I’ll do what I think is best, Token. And you will have nothing to do with my decision. I need to see if Stan can actually do a good job leading. If he can, the beret is coming off, even if I don’t agree with his plan.”

Token glared at her. “It’s ‘cause it’s him, isn’t it?”

“I don’t know what you mean,” said Wendy coldly.

“You still feel something for him, don’t you? Even though we’re dating?”

When Wendy didn’t reply, Token sighed.

“Wendy, I can’t do this. I break up.”

Wendy turned to him, surprised. “Woah, wait a minute.”

“I’m serious. Neither of us is happy in a relationship, and it’s clear you like someone el-”

“Order, ladies, fellas! Order!” Butters cried, banging his gavel on the desk. The gym, for once, silenced immediately. This was going to be a consequential moment.

“The Student Body President, Mister Stanley Marsh!”

There was complete silence as Stan walked up from the Turd side of the gym and to the center table. Already placed on the table was his speech.

He took a deep breath.

“Mister Speaker, and members of Parleyment, I stand before you today with a grave summons.

“Just two days ago I received word of the most recent game played in the district. The Greeley Frogs have fallen.”

Everyone in the gym groaned.

“In the many decades of victory our team boasts, we have had many close calls. Many near-losses. Many injuries and years filled with hardships.

“And we are facing our darkest hour yet.”

Wendy leaned forward in her seat. This was a surprising turn for a speech she was sure would put a rather positive spin on things.

“But in all these long years, there has never been an absolute guarantee of victory given to us. Every single victory was fought for, long and hard, and all the work we put in that season would default upon the coming of the next.”

The Douches waved their pamphlets in the air, with a few “Aye’s!” thrown in.

“But I do believe, fully, that we must adapt to this current climate, or there will be no ultimate salvation, and this Parleyment meeting will signal the beginning of the end of South Park’s reign.”

Loud applause and the sound of agreement filled the air.

“We cannot sit idly as our empire crumples and half of us seem to not give a damn.”

Another loud noise, now really more a roar, filled the air. Even the Turds were beginning to voice their agreements, despite the fact that Wendy still had her beret on. She happened to be staring at Stan unashamedly, thinking _Oh, I love political guys._

“I have, in recent days, considered entering negotiations with—with that man. But I spoke with nearly all of you in this room yesterday, and you argued strongly against surrender.

“I spoke with Principal Victoria immediately after our gathering and she suggested that Middle Park would not hold their end of the bargain, and that they would not allow us to prance our way to second place next year, and that this school will be forced, by the time I begin middle school, to dismantle our basketball program for something whose victory proves more achievable and therefore more worthwhile.

“Some might say I am not the best for negotiations with madmen, and I agree. Some might argue the more wealthy and better-connected may be able to levy better terms than I. But those same people will be free from the sight of-of the _Cowboy _, hanging over—over the _state trophy _!” The entire gym booed. “Over _the Colorado basketball home court _!”

“No, never!” Many MP’s rose from their seats and shouted obscenities down to Stan below.

“Order! Order!” Butters yelled, banging his gavel. Silence returned.

“And so I have this to say, my friends, in this grimmest hour: if the story of our reign shall finally come to an end, let it be not with a whimper of submission! Not with the highest dishonor! But with pride and our flag waving in the air!”

The crowd roared its approval.

“Let it be that if our final two men fall, they shall take thrice as many with them!”

_“Aye!”_

“And let us look, in many years, with hindsight at our deeds of this moment, with a wistful pride and grand wisdom!”

_“Aye!”_

“That we should not surrender today or tomorrow or any day becoming our greatest policy, and victory our highest aim!-”

_“Aye!”_

“-should make us all remember this moment, with us all gathered together to discuss the fate of our school in these desperate times, our finest hour!”

The gym erupted in deafening cheer, as MP’s from the Douches all stood and applauded and threw their pamphlets down towards Stan once it was clear he had finished his speech.

The Turds waited impatiently for what they knew was the inevitable signal. And when Wendy removed her beret, they all shot to their feet as well.

The two sides formed a narrow passage for Stan to make a dramatic exit through, as the din continued.

“Victory!”

_“Victory!”_

And once Stan stormed triumphantly out of the gym, amidst his fanfare, Wendy finally remembered how to breathe.

**Author's Note:**

> So in essence, this is a love story between Winston Churchill and Neville Chamberlain.


End file.
